Let me set the scene.... you're scrolling aimlessly through tik toc and you see a plus sized woman, a beautiful plus sized woman and her whole video is about body positivity. You know, you're more than your weight, your size doesn't determine your worth, wear the bikini because who the fuck cares if it makes people uncomfortable. All this rhetoric we've gotten used to hearing since the world has become more inclusive. I for one eat that shit up. I watch the videos, heart the videos, find myself nodding along to all the points they're making. I might even throw in a "hell yeah" or a "damn straight" if I'm really feeling it. I usually agree with most of, if not everything, they are saying. So..... what's the problem?
The problem is as I cheer these women on there is always this little voice in my head, that I can't get to shut it, saying "they look great but thank god that's not me!" Listen I know how that sounds, trust me I KNOW. I hate myself for thinking it, I don't want to think it, yet that voice is still there and still talking.
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend this has anything to do with my concerns about a strangers health. I think by this point we all know that's bullshit, it very thinly (no pun intended) veiled fatphobia that wreaks of bullshit every time you hear it or see it in comment sections. Why would I be so concerned for a strangers health? It's none of my fucking business. I love how someone will comment the most vial shit and then double down and defend what they said because they're "concerned about this random person on the internets health". I mean.... at least I'm not that fucking guy, right?
I wanted to do a deep dive into my feeling and really workout why I feel and think this way, but a deep dive into why really isn't necessary. I know WHY it's nothing more than classic internalized fatphobia combined with her BFF internalized misogyny. Being a teen in the early 2000s is definitely a contributing factor. When it comes to body shaming and fatphobia the early 2000s are tough to beat. It does go deeper than that though. If I'm being completely honest and saying the quite part out loud..... I've seen first hand, in real life and on the internet, how people in larger bodies are treated. I have also experience first hand how conventionally attractive people are treated. I gotta tell ya I prefer the latter. I want people to find me attractive. I want men to find me attractive. I want that validation from men, not because I want to sleep with them (gross). I want them to want to sleep with me and then have the power to crush their dreams and let it be known that will NEVER, in a million years, happen.
So why am I like this? I know other woman think about this stuff and worry about their bodies and their weight, but I do find myself wondering are other women thinking about/ obsessing about their bodies the same amount as me? I just hate how it's an everyday thing for me, I think about my body and how it looks multiple times every. single. day. I don't want to, I want to be one of those women on the other side of the screen saying yeah I'm fat, yeah I'm sexy, yeah I'm rocking this crop top. I think I tend to do a fairly decent job of pretending I'm that girl, but I am NOT that girl. I see plus size women all the time that I think look beautiful and HOT! I, however, am a 6 foot tall woman. The narrative in my head is shorter girls can be chubby and put on weight and still look fantastic but I can't be that tall and overweight. It's a one or the other situation. You can be tall, you can be plus size, but you CANNOT be tall and plus size.
Two years ago I tore my ACL skiing. I had to have surgery in March of 2021. It was brutal. About six months post-op when I was finally just starting to feel like a human again, I started having a lot of pain in my shoulder. Anyway, long story short, I ended up having to have shoulder surgery in August of 2022. Needless to say it's been a rough two years. I have been pretty depressed and in a major funk. That's a big reason I've started blogging again after all these years and seemingly out of the blue. I'm just trying to find myself again, reignite old passions that used to bring me joy, such as writing. Another passion of mine has always been working out. I have gained about 25 pounds since my surgeries. This is by far the heaviest I have ever been (while not pregnant). On January 4th I was cleared by my Dr. to return to the gym. It feels great! I really am finally starting to feel like myself again more and more everyday. I have told you all this because as much as I want to pretend that FEELING like myself is significantly more important to me than losing this weight that I have gained, I don't know if that's true. I HATE admitting that! I hate that as a 36 year old woman I'm still this consumed by my body's physical appearance. That even after two surgeries and having a new respect for what a privilege mobility and health truly are, I'm STILL worried about my weight. Man diet culture, fatphobia, misogyny they sure do grab a hold tight and dig their claws in you. How do people dig the claws out? It's like I know they're there, but I don't know how to get rid of them. How do you get rid of the claws?
